The Art of Saying “No!”
It is 4 pm. Everything goes smoothly at the office. I am looking forward to meeting one of my best friends at 6 pm. It is the third time we try to meet, and everytime it was me who had to cancel the meeting.
Suddenly Claudia darts in my room. “We’ve got to put a new news item on our website, here’s the information I just got”. I take a look. The information is hardly to understand. It is about an exposition, well better called: a performance of one of our known artists. I don’t know how I will get three sentences out of that information which can be understood by normal people. It is 4.45 pm, and I am still not sure what to write. Maybe google can help. Half an hour later I have some reasonable information – not provided by google, but by wikipedia. But now time is getting short for my appointment with my friend. I. Am. Not. Cancelling. That. Meeting. I feel my stress level rising. And then I yell at myself: No! Stop! Think!
What alternatives do I have? What will happen, if I deal with the news item on our homepage tomorrow, first thing in the morning? And what will happen if I cancel the meeting with my best friend for the third time? Where are my priorities? I pick up the telephone and…
Dear reader, this is a fictional story. Things like that are happening to me very often. I’m someone who likes to meet everyone’s expectations – but there are situations where I simply cannot do that, a fact which puts me under considerable stress. I learned that in such situations it is the best to take a step aside and then to realize, that I have to decide which expectations I want to meet, and to stick to that decision, even with a funny feeling somewhere in my stomach.
This is a contribution to the October “what I learned from Stress” Group Writing Project, organized by Robert Hruzhek.
7 responses to “The Art of Saying “No!””
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- - October 13, 2008
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Ulla Hennig's Weblog 
Years ago a friend of mine said she was apprehensive about her 18-month-old. He was practicing for his Terrible Twos by practicing saying no in his crib every morning. He would stand there cheerfully varying the inflection and pitch, saying, “No, no, no, no, no.” He’s the image that comes to mind whenever I have to say no. It reminds me of Dr. Benjamin Spock’s phrase, “Cheerfully firm.” Saying no doesn’t have to be unfriendly.
I also like the saying, “It’s easier to say no when you’re saying yes to something more important.” 🙂
Ulla, I opened my mouth to say something… then read Jean’s comment… and closed my mouth again.
She’s right; by prioritizing AHEAD of time what’s really important, you make the moment of decision easier when it comes because you’ve already decided, so to speak.
Way to go, Jean!
Besides, if you think back, you’ll realize that pretty much all “do it now” moments – aren’t, really. 😉
Ulla, it can be hard in the workplace but I learned that often emergencies really were not emergencies! People often knee jerk react to another person’s stress rather than asking “what will happen if this waits a day or two?” I learned this initially by being unavailable to attend to a “crisis.” In my absence people figured it out without my help. Imagine that! I learned a valuable lesson which has stuck with me over the years.
Ulla, When you spread yourself too thin you wind up disappointing everybody, especially yourself. I agree wholeheartedly with Karen. Many “crises” are really not that serious.
Hi Ulla
A wise old boss of mine once advised me not to “take on somebody else’s panic”. I was working with a client who would try to do just that. She would panic about something – call me and tell me that something had to be done immediately …and , well you guess the rest. So I got into the habit of asking her some ( friendly) questions to try to establish where her demands were coming from ( ie really time pressured or because she had lost control) and we actually ended up with a very good relationship that ( I think) worked for both of us.
when i became the super volunteer stay at home mom of the century someone said to me when i had reached a point of no return…it takes courage to say no… and ever since then I took no as an opportunity to decide what was best for me
I bet you could do that too!